Four Lesser Known Console Methods

With these new methods in your pocket, you'll be console logging so much, everyone in the office will start calling you the lumberjack.

by Ryan Feigenbaum

Four Lesser Known Console Methods
Photo by Mike U on Unsplash


The old saying goes, "Show me a developer who doth develops, and I'll show you a console doth log."

Show me a developer who doth develops, and I'll show you a console doth log

You are likely all too familiar with the console.log() method that outputs a message based on the arguments passed to it, and you might even know other console methods like table, dir, error, time, and so on.

But this post is taking an even deeper dive into four console methods that are so little known, they very well might not exist.

1. console.encourage()

Does your code got you down? Giving you bugs, when what you really need is a break. Try console.encourage(). This method outputs inspiring affirmations to the console to help you debug, de-stress, and just get you through that next line of code.

console.encourage statement that reads you put the pro in programmer
console.encourage statement that reads i might be silicon, but i'm being real when i tell you, you can get it
console.encourage statement that reads let you = awesome
console.encourage statement that reads you're 10x to me
console.encourage statement that has binary code like 01 that says you complete me

2. console.hack()

Real devs know hacking scenes in the movies are totally fake. I'm looking at you Hackers and Jurassic Park.  But you don't need to enter the mainframe, "enhance enhance," or even guess the password on the first try. Instead, just use console.hack(target). With this method, enter the person or institution you want to hack as the argument,  aka the target, and the method will log a super secrets object to the screen.

console.hack statement that reveals information about Jeff Bezos
console.hack statement that reveals information about the FBI

3. console.procrastinate()

Distracted? Preoccupied? Not in the mood to work? Don't just procrastinate, but procrastinate productively by dropping everything to start a massive side project. Sure, you could use Google Sheets to create that spreadsheet, but wouldn't the experience be better if you built a slightly improved (but probably worse) Google Sheets clone?

console.procrastinate() helps you get there by giving you the ideas you need to do a wholly different deed.

console.procrastinate statement that reads Javascript framework called revuelte. see react, vue, svelte
console.procrastinate statement that reads javascript build tool called wrapp. see webpack, parcel, vite, etc.
console.procrastinate statement that reads covid-19 dashboard called covid-19 dashboard. see who, jhu, and ncov19
console.procrastinate statement that reads dark mode tutorial with the title the 400 page dark mode tutorial. see the complete guide, a complete guide, and so on

BTW, see my tutorial, "The Complete Guide to the Dark Mode Toggle"

The Complete Guide to the Dark Mode Toggle
This complete guide to the dark mode toggle includes best practices for implementing a color mode switcher on your website using custom variables, prefers-color-scheme, and more, all with a very pretty demo!

4. consoul.log()

The developer spends all day telling the computer what to do, while it sits there judging you either with a stack trace or a blinking cursor that counts your continued dawdling. Straddling this abyss of human error and ennui stands the eternal existential question: Who am I really?

Rather than ponder this question with the philosophers, you can just use the console method, consoul.log(targetSoul), passing yourself or another mortal as the argument. The method will respond in the form of an emoji (lookup table provided below). Please, use this method with caution!

Soul Lookup Table

Symbol Meaning
💀 You dead
👻 You're a ghost
🤖 You're a bot
🦑 You're the Kraken
👽 You're a weirdo
💩 You're not a great person
🤬 You're passionate about password security
🤡 You're a creeper
🤓 You're in incognito mode
😱 You're really into Edvard Munch
🤐 You're Edward Scissorhands
💎 You're diamond hands
🤤 You've just had dental work. You shouldn't be using heavy machine learning

That's it, folks. With these new methods in your pocket, you'll be console logging so much and so voraciously, everyone in the office will start calling you the lumberjack.